Saturday, April 12, 2008

Not the Day I Expected

I’m not sure what happened today. I went to Minot (115 miles away) for the day and something hit me as we were driving past the old radar station. I saw the house that used to be ours when we lived on Minot AFB. It was just sitting there – empty. And then the tears started flowing down my face....because tomorrow is Steven’s birthday....and we watched him grow up in that house – and now that house is empty and Steven is in Heaven.

So, here I sit, in the bathtub of all places, still crying. It’s been 9 years since Steven died, so why is this birthday so hard? Is it because he would be 21 and I have no idea what kind of a man he would be now? Is it because we went to Minot – the place he was born and raised – just before his birthday and now I’m flooded with memories? Or is it something more? I don’t know. I know that I miss him more right now more than I have in a LONG, LONG time.

I know everything happens for a reason. I really am not usually a cry baby, but for some reason this birthday hurts so much more than the last few. There’s this part of me that just wants to hug him one more time, to see him one more time, to say “I Love You” one more time.

And so I remind myself ~ we aren’t promised “one more time.” We are promised now and we need to make the most of every moment while we can. So, I can say this ~ I hug my children more, I make sure to tell them I love them more, and I thnak God for each and every moment I am blessed with them in my life. In other words, I have learned to Cherish The Moment.

Happy Birthday, Steven ~~ Mommy Loves You!!


Tori said...

Oh Tami,
My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine your hurt.
I'm so sorry for you and yet a bit happy for Steven, how nice to be in the presence of God!

cherylharrell (Mrs Harrell) said...

You don't know me but I've been reading your blog. So sorry about your son. Reading your post i was led to pray for you. May God be with you & send his love your way...