I have a box of “special Steven stuff.” To be honest, I haven’t opened the box since a few months after the funeral – that has been almost 9 years now. I just haven’t been able to bring myself to do it. I took comfort in knowing it was there, in case I ever wanted to go through it.
Over the last few weeks Brett has been asking hundreds of questions about Steven. Today he asked if I had anything other than all the pictures he has seen. I told him I had a special box and his face lit up. He wanted to see the box.
As I write this Brett is sitting at the table going through everything in the box. I went through part of it with him, but honestly – it hurts more than I expected. I want Brett to go through the box, to know the brother he never got to meet, but this is a lot harder than I ever would have thought it would be.
There are things in that box I had forgotten about – reports he had written, letters to me, pictures he drew. Just tons of memories.
I would love to call someone, but I don’t want Brett to know how much it hurts me....so I write. He needs to see those things, he needs to bring me things and have me read them out loud. He needs to know who wrote the letters and the poems. So I write.